Um… Crying, Snowing, Internetting, Working, and Screwing! It’s AAAaaall here for you.

“No one makes you feel anything. You choose your reactions and emotions.”

I had a really hard time with that phrase when I was a young insolent teenager. But now, I try to remember it and live it, and it really is true. I don’t like when Hubs asks “did I make you mad?” or “did I make you cry” because no. No, you did not. The situation frustrated me, or I chose this particular moment to unleash the waterworks. Never would I say “You make me mad” because Hubs doesn’t make me mad, and Hubs doesn’t make me cry, and Hubs doesn’t make me laugh so hard that snot comes shooting out. It’s my reaction to the situation and my choice.

Last night, I started crying for seemingly no reason whatsoever. A playful moment turned into a childhood-issue-bringer-upper for Hubs, which he mentioned in a brief sentence and then went back to what he was doing. I became very upset that my playful action had brought up old hurt for him. Very upset. I could think of nothing else but my horrible, horrible actions and that I was a bad person and hurt him deeply and would never recover. He had long since let it go, and I was sitting there crying quietly while turned away from him on the bed, and later crying onto his chest. I honestly doubt that at that point the tears had anything to do with the little guilt that I had. It was just time to cry.

I get embarrassed crying in front of my husband. Isn’t that dumb? I either try to hold it back, hide, keep it silent, or hope he doesn’t notice, because I feel weak and dumb and silly and he doesn’t understand why I cry so much (even though I cry about 1/10^th as much as I did prior to meeting him). We’ve discussed it many a time, and I think he’s starting to get it. Sometimes, for no reason, you must cry. And that crying feels good. And when it is over it is over and it is okay to be fine and go about business. And sometimes, you must watch something sappy and tear jerking because you really really want to cry and cannot. And you NEED that after cry good feeling. The cleanse, the “it’s all out and I’m still okay” thoughts.

I don’t think he understood the “it feels good part” since he never, ever cried before he met me (but I’ve turned him into a bit of a softy) and in general, crying is thought to be a bad thing. Right? “Crying = bad = it must be his fault” was his thought process. But no, it’s not like that. It’s hard and painful and sucks to hold back the tears when they want out. When whatever emotion it is that is building up to the tears reaches the breaking point, you just have to go ahead and let them do their thing or your throat really does feel choked up. It’s like the SIMs with their levels of happy. My little “Work frustrates the shit out of me” bar is at the dangerously high end, but a few tears will move it down to workable ranges. (By the way I’ve played the SIMs for exactly three seconds and never again, because the people I created immediately caught themselves on fire. Idiots.)

Last night, for the first time, Hubs held me and said it was okay to cry, and encouraged me to let it all out. It of course made me cry harder. When I’m crying and people are sweet to me I cry harder…is that a normal thing or just me? I will never accept a hug when I am on the verge of tears and am trying to hold back, because that is all I need to topple right over to the sobbing side.

***

It’s fucking snowing. Still. It’s the end of March! You’re confusing the birds that are migrating back, they’re all going, “Wait, did we forget to set our watches for daylight savings? What the FUCK, Leonard, your schedule is OFF” or something. The birds! No one informed the birds that winter is apparently December through JULY! Leonard will be fired!

Most used phrases about the weather in Utah:

1) “You don’t like the weather, wait 5 minutes.” Which is totally true because last Monday it snowed, then it was sunny and bright, and then the wind. We all just stand around going “Coat? Jacket? Can I make my hair fragile in style, or spray it down so nothing moves?” Spring is confusing.

2) “It wasn’t like this LAST YEAR!” There seriously needs to be a website that has a button saying that, and when someone asks that question, you click it and say. “Well, actually a year ago today was exactly the same, weather-wise” or “You’re right, it was 80 degrees and beautiful and you are totally justified in your righteous weather anger” If such a website exists, please let me know.

***

I am writing this in a Word document, because the internet is DOWN. Again. It wasn’t so bad when it was 20 bucks a month to have it go down on us for a few hours. I understand that, god forbid, everyone in the neighborhood gets online at the same time that the cables and whatsits and bandwidthiness of it all just shits the fuck out. But for fucks sake, now we’re up to the LUDICROUS 50 bucks a month, and it’s out. For like an hour now. There is nothing to do on a computer with no internet. What am I going to do? Look at pictures? Not host those pictures online somewhere?

I have a good mind to call up Comshit and say, “Listen, my TV, home phone, and all sources of entertainment are on this thing. AND IF I HAVE TO WORK ON A SUNDAY I BETTER BE ABLE TO” in a much, much, meaner way than I just typed, but I never, ever would be rude to a customer service rep, ever. And in any case they’ll give us some stupid reimbursement code and we’ll never be reimbursed, and they’ll schedule a tech to come out next Thursday and it will come up again 3 hours after the call so I’ll have to call back and cancel the tech call and they’ll think I’m a whiny baby that calls every 5 minutes when the pages load slow. I used to be a call center drone, I know the DRILL!

Maybe if I threatened to leave and go to the one other internet company that has high speed maybe they’ll give me back the 20 bucks a month deal because seriously 50 dollars a month?

I really do have to work today too, and can’t without the internet. So I’ve been glancing at the modem for the last 2 hours and getting increasingly anxious. Plus they won’t talk to me because it’s not my name on the account, it’s Hubs’, and I really don’t want to wake him up to make him call yet another Customer Service rep. I already have made him the unofficial caller of customer service reps, because I don’t deal well with it. I do the ironing though, so it’s fair? Probably not. Raaaant.

***

Speaking of Work, you knew it would happen…speaking…of work.

I’m pretty sure I’m never going to get a day off ever again. I have 97 hours of paid time off saved up, plus I should be reimbursed a couple of days for having to work this entire weekend, bringing home work (hate it. Hate it.) and it’s not going to happen. I should also have an extra day for my time up in Minnesota over my birthday and Presidents Day. All of that together is like a month of time off. But alas, I’ve made myself too valuable. No one can be my backup because no one knows how to do my job, or even exactly what I do. The closest I have gotten to a day off is working from home one day every couple of months. But, working from home is just being as frustrated as I am in the office, only in my pajamas. I haven’t had a day off since the honeymoon in September! It is no wonder that I need to cry sometimes. I tell myself that I’m saving up those hours for our “real” honeymoon this year…but with Hubs getting the new job (oh, I didn’t tell you. He got a new job! Hooray!) and people being totally unable to function if I am not sitting quietly in my corner cube pulling the levers that apparently make everything work, I don’t know….Plus nothing is planned, and that’s crappy.

***

I want a Honeymoon cruise, but we don’t know how to get a good deal, who a good cruiseline is so that we don’t have to have a horrible time, or be stuck with bikini clad superficial bitches OR old people that smell like cedar. We don’t know where to go, we don’t know anything. I just…don’t want it to pass me by. Our original honeymoon was pretty budget and lame (We went to Wendover, the most miniature Vegas that 2 hours drive from Salt Lake can offer) (oh, and we don’t like gambling much) (also, drinking a lot doesn’t work for Hubs) but we pretty much had monstrous amounts of sex the whole time, so it didn’t matter. When people asked us what we did for the honeymoon we would laugh a little, because we were embarrassed about the ghetto-ness of the honeymoon destination, and also unable to spout about the amazing feats of sexual strength to a relative. So we would cut out that naughty stuff and the story would be like “We went to dinner and…played some penny slots….and drove places…and stuff.”

So, now that we’re not having an almost purely sexual honeymoon, I would like to have a really good, relaxing, fun honeymoon. I would honestly love to take an Alaska cruise, but it may be too late in the year for one of those by the time things calm down at work enough for me to find and train a temporary replacement.

Any suggestions or help for “Honeymoon, the (maybe, it’s only been a year) Non-X-Rated Sequel” are welcome. If anything else, it will give me hopes and something to look forward to, and something to dream about, and something to make me get off my ass and exersise for.