Emotional vomit to figure out what’s up

I’m having one of those randomly emotional days where it’s hard to keep yourself together and you are inconveniently at work, where crying at your desk for a few hours is frowned upon. I keep getting casually insulted, people are expecting me to do everything, from design to manufacturing to hardware QA to shipping to software code, anything that is remotely related (or not related at all) to my position, people have been yelling at me when I ask for something simple that is their responsibility, and blaming me that they are assigned to do these tasks. I consistently get requests pushed back on me over and over, to the point where it ends up that I DO have to do it, because it’s now so late that the deadlines won’t be met if I don’t.

And all of the upset? I could have handled it, but it started with my hair being called “Soccer Mom Hair” by a co-worker. And I was insulted. I let it get to me too hard, and then everything else piled on within the next half an hour and now I’m sitting here blinking back tears and trying to salvage co-worker relationships over IM, because honestly the worst thing is when there is bitterness between co-workers and you still have to work together. It’s not working though, the salvage, and I’m going to give up on it because it’s just upsetting me harder.

I really need to become a hardass and not such a pushover at the office. I really need to say, “You know what? I don’t care if you’re mad, it’s your job and your responsibility and it needs to be done by 3:00.” But that isn’t me. I’m a hard, good, consistant, fast, thorough worker, and therefore I will be stepped on over and over and passed up for raises while the lazy-ass over there gets a promotion. That’s how it works.

***

Enough work talk.

***

Hubs has a bad habit I call “The Monday Mistake.” He’ll be unable to fall asleep within a few minutes Sunday night, and will end up going downstairs to do homework/browse the internet/play Warcraft III and hours will go by and it will be 2:00am when he gets in bed. Then, the next day he won’t be able to wake up on time and will be exhausted the entire day. He used to do this a lot when he worked the Graveyard shift, it’s hard to have normal sleep schedules on the weekends and then go back to sleeping morning to evening on the week days.

But now he has this new job, and it’s a ton of stress, and he feels like he doesn’t have time to hang out with me or by himself, so he’s been making the Monday Mistake every day this week. Which just makes the stress harder, and just makes him feel like he doesn’t have any time again. I feel so bad for him.

I get up at 6:07, go through the morning routine of bleary eyed coffee, and get in the shower around 6:25. After the shower, I get ready and at about 7:00 I start thinking about waking him up. I inevitably feel bad, and give him a few more minutes, then forget about it and realize when it’s 7:20 that OH FUCK HE NEEDS TO GET UP. Then he is rushed through a shower, doesn’t get breakfast and I end up late. His work doesn’t start til 9:00, but I start at 8:00, and we carpool…so it’s me that’s late.

Then I get mad at myself that I’m angry at him. I get angry that we don’t have breakfast together, that’s my favorite part of the morning and the only time of the day when we sit at the table. I get angry that an anxious atmosphere is in the house as he rushes to get ready. I get angry that he can get ready in 10 minutes when it takes me an hour and a half. I get angry that he was up late playing games instead of needing to do homework, as that’s the only justified thing in my head for staying up so late. I get angry that I can’t think of a way to help him fall asleep. I get angry that he doesn’t just lay there patiently until sleep comes. I get angry that there’s no warm calves for me to put my ice-cold feet on. I get angry that I end up being the one that is late, and he looks like a great employee starting work an hour early.

I don’t like being mad. I especially don’t like being mad at his actions. I feel so bad for him and his insomnia, but I don’t understand it because I’m always so exhausted at night and I’m in a routine. I don’t think of how he’s just started something new and stressful and it’s difficult to adjust and I should support him. I feel like I should solve it, but he won’t take my solution anyway because he’s playing games and not trying. Then I feel bad that I think he’s being irresponsible when he’s really just trying to wind down with that game. I worry that he’ll start playing games like he did before he met me and I hate video games, I think they ruin people and ruin relationships and I’m terrified that I’ll lose him to the glow of a computer game or console.

Last night he wrote me an email at 12:45 telling me a myriad of wonderful things, how beautiful he thinks I am, how much in love with me he is, etc. etc. It was an amazing email, he knows I read email in the morning and it was a great way to wake up, but still. Still, I thought, “Why was he wasting time doing this when he knew he needed to sleep?” I thought, “He just wrote this because he feels guilty that he’s been doing this all week.” I thought, “He didn’t end up in bed til 2:00am, what was he doing all night?”

I should have been thinking, “I’m so lucky to have someone that even when frustrated with insomnia would take time out to let me know how much he loves me. I am lucky that he thinks about me like this all the time and felt the need to say it in an email. I am so in love.” But I. Was. Selfish.

I am being selfish with my anger, my emotional behavior, my lack of forgiveness when there really isn’t anything to forgive. I am thinking only of myself, and how I want breakfast with him in the morning, and need those warm legs for my feet, and want our half-hour pre-sleep talk back. I want my own alone time, and am bitter that he gets it regardless of lack of sleep. I am being selfish because I miss him, I guess.

I miss him. I want him back. I feel like he’s getting all this extra time without me and I’m missing out somehow. I miss him, I’m selfish, I am angry at the situation, I don’t know how to fix it. He misses me. He wishes I was with him. He wishes I could stay with him while he’s up because what he really wants is to hang out with me. He feels selfish, he feels angry at himself. He doesn’t know how to fix it. He’s overwhelmed. I guess it goes both ways.

I suppose with time he’ll adjust to the insane responsibility he’s gotten on his shoulders at this new job, each day is a little bit better for him. I suppose once he adjusts and the panic of the whole thing leaves his brain he’ll be able to relax and fall asleep. His poor ADD brain will have fewer things whooshing around and he’ll be able to dream instead of worry and fret. I suppose we need to be patient, remember that we hate the situation but love each other, and wait it out til the waters calm.

That was all very disjointed thinking, but until I wrote it all out as it flew through my head, I didn’t exactly understand why I have been so pissy about it. So, if you read it, thanks. That was purely for my benefit. That was my own little word-vomit to figure out what’s up with me today.

I feel better.