Here’s a bit of a situation for you.
Sister and I are both pregnant, right. We are having a combined family shower on the 25th. Just family, no friends. Sister is Mormon and therefore will have showers and get a shitload of stuff. I am not.
Rad-ass Jewish sister-in-law (RAJ-SIL) offered to throw me a shower for cool people. No games, no family that insists on calling me by my long-abandoned middle name, no uncomfortable conversation that – at any time – could turn to Mohonri Moriancumer and God’s holy middle finger (kudos to you if you know who that is). So, yay! A shower where all my gay friends can come and we can sware freely and gross each other out by talking about mucus plugs and shit.
Well. Here comes the issue. Raj-sil has been having a hard time lately. A hard time that she won’t really talk to me about, and I’m not good at pushing on. She would only text me the basics of what’s up (son has ADD just as ferociously as his late papa being a main difficulty I’m sure), and when I called her while texting back and forth, she would not answer to talk to me. Soooo poo.
But then she throws a shower for a friend who recently adopted a baby. A friend of mine, too, I thought, but I was not invited and I have no idea why. I figured it was maybe because she didn’t want to see my big, fertile belly reminding her of 10 years of failed fertility treatments and her recent miscarriage. I tried to blow it off as a whatever, but it still stung…and the clincher was that Raj-sil asked me and Hubs to babysit her terror-child during the shower. That’s how I found out about it. Hurt.
Fast forward to about a week ago, I get a text asking if July 11th will work for a shower. Sure! I say. Nothing else from her since.
At this point I’m wondering a) is it still on? b) is she coming up with her own invitee list, because I have some other people I could invite, or c) has she totally nixed it and not had the courage to tell me this.
If I call her and ask her if it’s still on, I look like a jerk asking for a party from someone who is having a hard time
If I call her and ask her if she needs help with the party, but she doesn’t want to do it anymore, I feel like I’d be pressuring her and not giving her the out she may want.
If I don’t have a shower, I have to buy all my baby things, and that’s a lot of money
If Hubs throws me a shower, which he so cutely offered to do this morning, it looks like we’re asking for gifts
If I do nothing, I’ll be up all night again like I was last night.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t like pressing the issue, and I don’t want her to feel obligated to do something she doesn’t want to do anymore, but I really kind of need a shower and you only get a shower with your first baby so I’m feeling a bit selfish about it thinking “This is supposed to be my special, once in a lifetime party, and you promised so you should do it!”
It’s too bad I don’t have the kind of girly friends that do showers for people, and it’s too bad I don’t believe in a magical glow-worm finger so that people I see once a week could give me a bunch of stuff.
So, what do I do? You guys always seem to have good advice.
If it were me, I would ask her nonchalantly if I could help with party preparations. Since she has not told you that she doesn’t want to do the shower, you should just go ahead and assume that she does still want to throw you one. Maybe she just has been preoccupied with her ADD kid, and just needs a little kick in the rear to get party-planning again. Maybe she doesn’t realize how close July 11th is.
It sounds like you like your SIL, and I’m sure she likes you too and really wants to do this party for you. Don’t feel selfish for wanting a baby shower… you should definitely have one for your first baby!
Since she texted you a week ago it sounds like she’s still planning on doing it. I would call her or text her and let her know you have a list of people to invite and would she like you to email it to her? Just assume she’s doing it. It seems to me like she is. Make sure you thank her a ton, etc. That’s my advice. And I better be invited! :)
Well, I think the advice above is good, but if you lack the balls to go that route, then the more timid route might be to ask her if she’d like to call it off since she’s having a hard time. Then you’re being sensitive, but chances are she’ll still offer to do it. I SO understand how you feel. I never got a shower with my first baby (and I’m even Mormon!) and I honestly still feel jealous and insecure about it to this day (5 years later). And we were even poor starving college students then who really NEEDED the help! But I can’t complain too much because I did get a shower with my 2nd because it was a different gender, and with #3 I’ve even gotten a small get-together where a few people brought diapers. Hope everything works out!
I think you’re well within your right to call and ask her if the party’s still on. I also think you have every right in the world to provide a list of people you’d like to invite. You ARE the guest of honor, no? It’s the host’s responsibility to keep the honoree in the loop and cater to your every whim (within reason.) And hard time or no, she shouldn’t have volunteered to host the shower if she didn’t think she’d be able to follow through.
Just my .02. Granted, I’m an asshole and have like three friends so it may not be the best advice.
Yay for gameless showers! There is nothing more awkward than having to sit in a circle and sift through a diaper of full of melted candy bar bits as if it was an ass explosion of epic proportions. I’m not with that sort of fuckery, yo.
I’m with everyone else. Ask about helping with planning and about providing addresss lables so the invitations are easier for her to mail.
Gretchen offered a nice solution if you’re worried about not being sensitive. Ask if she needs an out.
And for real, if she backs out. Let Hubs throw you a party/shower. Because your friends will LOVE that – and will absolutely come to that. If I got an invite from a pregnant friend’s husband for a party he was throwing for her, I’d be the first RSVP. That’s AWESOME!
i’m with beth. the Offering To Let Her Back Out If Things Are Hard is a nice safe (inoffensive) route to take, and i see absolutely NOTHING wrong with having your hubs host the party!
I totally agree that you NEED a shower. Preferably a big one. That saved me on my first baby and I barely had to buy stuff that first year. Even if you have to throw it yourself, do it. It’s no big.
I would just start helping a lot. Emailing her guest lists, asking how she is sending out invites – emails or postal mail or what, asking her what shade of blue she is going with, etc.
Or you can just talk to her. Get her on the phone and tell her that you understand she is going through a rough time and just wanted to know if she would still be able to do it and how you could help. Give her a chance to back out with no hard feelings, because no one wants a gift/favor that is not freely given.
(Also, God has a holy middle finger…and it has something to do with pregnant women? Sounds…deviant.)