We’ve watched a few of those old Christmas shows that I used to watch when I was a kid, lately Frosty the Snowman and Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town. I practically had these memorized when I was a kid, but watching them as an adult has brought up some questions.
Frosty
So, we’re all fine with the fact that the kids stole this guy’s top hat, right? Jimmy Durante says that the hat obviously belongs to the children, but I sat there thinking, “Uh, no… those kids are being bully assholes with their mute rabbit felon accomplice.” I mean, yeah the guy wanted to throw the thing out because he sucked ass at magic and blamed his ugly hat, but how many times do we curse our belongings and throw them across the room only to go pick them up later after the rage has abated?
Why doesn’t the rabbit talk? Are we supposed to believe that snow comes to life, but believing that a rabbit could talk would be just too much?
Frosty can’t count to ten, but he understands the concept of thermometers. Huh.
THEN later Santa tells the guy who is just trying to get his belongings back that he’ll never get another present ever again if he tries to even touch his own hat and he has to go write down “I am really sorry for what I did to Frosty” a hundred ZILLION times so MAYBE then he’ll get SOMETHING in his stocking. Santa’s a fucking dick. Zillion is not a number, jerk, you’re setting up this guy for failure. He also says he’s an “evil” magician, but he just seems like a dumbass who is bad with kids, not evil.
Where are the police looking for Karen? Why isn’t she DEAD from hypothermia, since she’s not even wearing PANTS?
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
Bear with me here. So this little red-headed baby is left at the doorstep of this crochety old German tyrant in Sombertown with a note saying that the baby will be amazing if only you love it a lot, crochety old man. And surprise Heir Burgermeister Meisterburger (the best name ever) sends the baby off to the orphanage. Nay, the Orphan Asylum. Where is the story of the lady who abandoned this baby? I want to watch the claymation story of Santa Claus’ Birth Mother is Comin’ to Town Filled With Regret.
Then little baby Kris is left at the Kringle’s doorstep, to be raised by these elves. Given the religious turn this little movie takes later on, I think it’s worth mentioning that Santa was raised not only by 2 dads, but by FIVE dads and their hag. Or maybe they were brothers? And an elf queen? Nah, 5 way gay and a hag.
Now, years and years later, Kris comes BACK to Sombertown, where all the people are so sad that the children all have grey hair. Everyone has black and grey hair except for Miss Jessica, who has the same bright red hair that Kris has. They fall in love and get married in what becomes an awkward and randomly Jesus-y part of the little movie. But, I mean…she’s the ONLY one with red hair in the town where this OTHER guy with the same red hair was abandoned…
WHAT IF MRS. CLAUS IS SANTA CLAUS’ SISTER? Is that the explanation for why they don’t have children? She keeps popping out eight-legged monsters that speak in tongues, or has to take special medication so that the fetus won’t eat her from the inside out?
We watched Frosty last week. I don’t think I’ve sat and watched the entire thing for at least 20 years. I don’t remember it being so… East coast. Did you notice when they were outside building the snowman the kids were all in shorts and few had any kind of coat. One had earmuffs but no coat. Umm, okay. In short, I thought it sucked.
Apparently I’ve been woefully misinformed about what happens when you have babies with your brother.